ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: OH, you better watch out…

ME: ?

MY BRAIN: You better not cry…

ME: Hey. No carols.

MY BRAIN: You better shut up and not pout, I’m telling you why…

ME: (Sighs)

MY BRAIN: Santa Empiricist is coming to town.

ME: What?

MY BRAIN: He records when you are sleeping, he notes when you’re awake…

ME: Not creepy at all.

MY BRAIN: He has carefully documented all instances of when you’ve been bad or good and made an accurate assessment with the data…..

ME: That doesn’t scan.

MY BRAIN: So be prepared to defend your behavior as contextually appropriate FOR GOODNESS SAKE….

ME: If he was really assessing all that data, wouldn’t he come up with something more analog than simply bad or good?

MY BRAIN: You’re thinking of Ambiguity Claus. He shows up anywhere between December 21st and December 28th, and instead of going “HO HO HO” he says, “Meh Meh Meh.”

ME: I don’t think I want to hear any more.

MY BRAIN: Good, because HIS carols are a bitch.