Ghosts Lie Like Bastards

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I have an idea for a brilliant new business. We’ll make millions.

ME: Oh really.

MY BRAIN: Yes, and we can FRANCHISE it, too. Are you ready?

ME: Mmmhmm.


ME: … what?

MY BRAIN: Here’s the scenario. You’re dead and you’re hanging out in the afterlife minding your own. Then suddenly you think about that Twitter friend you have, and maybe you want to appear to them in a dream and let them know maybe they need to have their brake lines checked.

ME: oh-kay.

MY BRAIN: So you manifest, right, and your friend completely flips out because they’ve never met you and they have no idea who you are or why you’re warning them about brake lines. You’re just this random person.

ME: Random ghost.

MY BRAIN: Right, random ghost. But you have a NAME TAG. And it says “Hi, I’m your Twitter friend @” – whatever, and then they’re okay, and you can warn them about the brake lines. Think of how many people you’ve never met in person. How will you contact them beyond the veil if they don’t know what you look like?

ME: You could just tell them.

MY BRAIN: You won’t have any credibility. Ghosts lie. They lie LIKE BASTARDS.

ME: How is a name tag more credible?

MY BRAIN: First of all, it shows preparation. You actually went out of your way to meet this person. Second, we’ll integrate a contextual API. First thing you when you do when you die, see, you download all your GMail contacts —

ME: Okay, time out. How do you download all your GMail contacts when you’re dead?

MY BRAIN: We’ll figure it out.

ME: This is a pretty big hurdle if you want to get some VC into this.

MY BRAIN: Which is a better bet for a venture capitalist: that one day we’ll figure out how to download GMail contacts when we’re dead, or that what this country needs is another four or five speciality cupcake retail chains?

ME: Um…

MY BRAIN: Any time, sparky.

ME: Okay, you got me. Carry on.

MY BRAIN: You download all your GMail contacts into our API, “Polterguest.” Then whenever you decide to cast your soul back into the world from whence man knows not, you enter in the name of the person you’re going to visit, and you get a formatted tag with all relevant contextual information to assure the manifestee that you’re not just some random phantom. Suddenly you’re a credible ghost with the confidence to pitch it strong when it comes to the warnings about the brake lines or the earthquake or the undercooked fish.

ME: I’m sure that’ll be a relief to everybody.

MY BRAIN: Learn more about our service at Relevant Renevant . And hey, why not brag a little about the eldritch energy you have unleashed upon the world? Check in on ShadeSquare!

ME: …

MY BRAIN: Tip #1: Don’t eat the sashimi.

What does YOUR brain say?

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