ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I am suffering a crisis of faith.

ME: ?

MY BRAIN: I feel just like I am lost metaphysically. I don’t know where to turn.

ME: What happened?

MY BRAIN: I believed in Crystal Light… and it DIDN’T BELIEVE IN ME!

ME: Um…

MY BRAIN: It always seemed like a very sensible, self-reliant ontology, you know?

ME: Why the HELL do I let you watch television?

MY BRAIN: I believe in myself, therefore I believe in Crystal Light. It was never a stated quid pro quo,
but why not? And I did my part.

ME: I’m scared to ask.

MY BRAIN: I told people about the power of Crystal Light. I would testify about its flavors. I didn’t feel comfortable going door to door but I was always ready to share the good news that town water did not have to taste like town water.

ME: I’ll give you that one.

MY BRAIN: And I finally reached the end of my rope. I was so tired. And I took out a little packet and I just poured out my feelings. I asked for guidance, love, and faith. And do you know what? It just SAT there.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: It just sat there in its smug fruit punchness and said nothing. NOTHING. Where is the help? Where is the support? Where is the love?

ME: You know, I think you’re looking at this the wrong way.

MY BRAIN: I’m thinking of becoming a Splenda-atheist. What?

ME: It didn’t say anything… because it has faith in you.

MY BRAIN: … what?

ME: It believes in you so much that it’s not doing anything. It has faith that you can fix it by yourself.

MY BRAIN: Hey….

ME: See?

MY BRAIN: YEAH! CRYSTAL LIGHT BELIEVES IN ME!

ME: That’s great. So can we get back to work now?

MY BRAIN: First, I want to sing a hymn.

ME: A hymn?

MY BRAIN: Aspartame faith, how sweet and low calorie, that saved a wretch like meeeeeee…

ME: Okay, NOW you can shut up.