ME: (Tries to work)
MY BRAIN: I am suffering a crisis of faith.
MY BRAIN: I feel just like I am lost metaphysically. I don’t know where to turn.
ME: What happened?
MY BRAIN: I believed in Crystal Light… and it DIDN’T BELIEVE IN ME!
MY BRAIN: It always seemed like a very sensible, self-reliant ontology, you know?
ME: Why the HELL do I let you watch television?
MY BRAIN: I believe in myself, therefore I believe in Crystal Light. It was never a stated quid pro quo,
but why not? And I did my part.
ME: I’m scared to ask.
MY BRAIN: I told people about the power of Crystal Light. I would testify about its flavors. I didn’t feel comfortable going door to door but I was always ready to share the good news that town water did not have to taste like town water.
ME: I’ll give you that one.
MY BRAIN: And I finally reached the end of my rope. I was so tired. And I took out a little packet and I just poured out my feelings. I asked for guidance, love, and faith. And do you know what? It just SAT there.
MY BRAIN: It just sat there in its smug fruit punchness and said nothing. NOTHING. Where is the help? Where is the support? Where is the love?
ME: You know, I think you’re looking at this the wrong way.
MY BRAIN: I’m thinking of becoming a Splenda-atheist. What?
ME: It didn’t say anything… because it has faith in you.
MY BRAIN: … what?
ME: It believes in you so much that it’s not doing anything. It has faith that you can fix it by yourself.
MY BRAIN: Hey….
MY BRAIN: YEAH! CRYSTAL LIGHT BELIEVES IN ME!
ME: That’s great. So can we get back to work now?
MY BRAIN: First, I want to sing a hymn.
ME: A hymn?
MY BRAIN: Aspartame faith, how sweet and low calorie, that saved a wretch like meeeeeee…
ME: Okay, NOW you can shut up.