ME: (At work, taking a break, about to have lunch. Just before I take a bite:)
MY BRAIN: STOP THAT YOU FOOL!
MY BRAIN: Are you trying to get us all ARRESTED?
ME: Um. I’m eating lunch.
MY BRAIN: You are eating Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
MY BRAIN: You have a potato on your fork.
MY BRAIN: Your fork is a medium duty plastic fork from Staples.
ME: If you say so. I just got a fork out of the box.
MY BRAIN: The 2nd quarter 2013 update of the OSHA Consumption of Workplace Lunches Safety Manual CLEARLY STATES that Dinty Moore Beef Stew is a Class 3 prepackaged foodstuff and requires a heavy duty fork.
MY BRAIN: Or a reinforced spork with a handle made of anodized aluminium and a textured rubber grip.
ME: What did I tell you about making shit up?
MY BRAIN: If OSHA finds out you could get fined and put in jail.
ME: As long as I get to finish eating first.
MY BRAIN: There would be articles about you in Mother Jones. People would point.
ME: Like they don’t do that anyway. So what exactly can I eat with this particular grade fork?
MY BRAIN: Velveeta Instant Mac and Cheese.
ME: What else?
MY BRAIN: That’s it.
ME: THAT’S IT? Just VELVEETA INSTANT MAC AND CHEESE? I can’t eat ANYTHING else with this stupid fork?
MY BRAIN: There may have been a few large, expensive lunches between the Velveeta lobbyists and OSHA.
ME: Oh really.
MY BRAIN: On the other hand, the forks at those lunches? Were AWESOME.