Raised White

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: What does that even mean, “raised white”?

ME: Oh no.

MY BRAIN: I’m imagining Barack Obama, abandoned on an old Lawrence Welk Show set.

ME: Please don’t.

MY BRAIN: Feral Campbell’s Soup children bring him crusts of Wonder Bread and the occasional Spam sandwich. Audio tracks from old 1950s short films on how to behave properly
float eerily through the air.

ME: Do you realize how much work I have to do?

MY BRAIN: He learns to read by finding old copies of Reader’s Digest. Calculating the nutritional values found on the back of mayonnaise jars teaches him math.

ME: Stop now.

MY BRAIN: His first word? “Velveeta”.

ME: …

Conversationed in February after Ben Carson said that Barack Obama was “raised white”.

Class 3 Prepackaged Foodstuff

Medium Duty Plastic ForksME: (At work, taking a break, about to have lunch. Just before I take a bite:)


ME: ?

MY BRAIN: Are you trying to get us all ARRESTED?

ME: Um. I’m eating lunch.

MY BRAIN: You are eating Dinty Moore Beef Stew.

ME: Yeah?

MY BRAIN: You have a potato on your fork.

ME: Yeah?

MY BRAIN: Your fork is a medium duty plastic fork from Staples.

ME: If you say so. I just got a fork out of the box.

MY BRAIN: The 2nd quarter 2013 update of the OSHA Consumption of Workplace Lunches Safety Manual CLEARLY STATES that Dinty Moore Beef Stew is a Class 3 prepackaged foodstuff and requires a heavy duty fork.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: Or a reinforced spork with a handle made of anodized aluminium and a textured rubber grip.

ME: What did I tell you about making shit up?

MY BRAIN: If OSHA finds out you could get fined and put in jail.

ME: As long as I get to finish eating first.

MY BRAIN: There would be articles about you in Mother Jones. People would point.

ME: Like they don’t do that anyway. So what exactly can I eat with this particular grade fork?

MY BRAIN: Velveeta Instant Mac and Cheese.

ME: What else?

MY BRAIN: That’s it.

ME: THAT’S IT? Just VELVEETA INSTANT MAC AND CHEESE? I can’t eat ANYTHING else with this stupid fork?

MY BRAIN: There may have been a few large, expensive lunches between the Velveeta lobbyists and OSHA.

ME: Oh really.

MY BRAIN: On the other hand, the forks at those lunches? Were AWESOME.