ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I’m writing fan fiction again.

ME: That’s nice.

MY BRAIN: Yeah, I’m fixing Hermione’s hypocrisy problem.

ME: I didn’t know she had a —

MY BRAIN: Oh, come on. Enraged over the slavery of house elves, and yet routinely engages in animal abuse during Transfiguration class.. Do not tell me that turning owls into opera glasses doesn’t involve a certain amount of pain and suffering.

ME: Um…

MY BRAIN: If JK Rowling wants her to be an activist, she should at least be a CONSISTENT activist.

ME: You know, for once in your life you might have a point.

MY BRAIN: So in my version she starts PETA –

ME: There’s already a group called –

MY BRAIN: – People for the Ethical Transfiguration of Animals –

ME: Ah. Carry on.

MY BRAIN: And she engages in a constant vandalism campaign against Professor McGonnagall which culminates in fifth year when Hermione breaks
into her office and sets all the mice free. Unfortunately she can’t keep them in her room in the Gryffindor tower so they end up getting eaten by Mrs. Norris.

ME: That kind of sucks.

MY BRAIN: I said I was fixing it, I didn’t say I was making it NICE. Anyway, at the end of the seventh book, when Voldemort rules the world…

ME: Wait a minute. That’s not how it ends.

MY BRAIN: That’s the way it ends when Hermione won’t let Neville kill a snake.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: Dark. But ethical!