Redecorating the Ocean

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I am tired of the color of the sea.

ME: ?

MY BRAIN: It’s boring. Let’s jazz that sucker up.

ME: Isn’t the ocean different colors in different places?

MY BRAIN: I guess. But it defaults to that bluey-green. It’s blue and the sky is blue. It’s so derivative.

ME: I’m afraid you’ll have to just put up with it. You can’t exactly paint the ocean.

MY BRAIN: No, of course you can’t. That would be stupid.

ME: All right then. (Tries to work.)

MY BRAIN: I’m going to need about four quintillion Skittles.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: I figure if we divide them out into maybe eight parts and take them to strategic spots, we can let them go and the tides will do the rest. A few weeks of currents and we’ll have a nice Skittlefied sea.

ME: You can’t Skittle the ocean.

MY BRAIN: No, YOU can’t Skittle the ocean because you won’t think big and take risks. On the other hand, I am a mover and a shaker. Besides, think of all the advantages.

ME: I’m pretty sure there no —

MY BRAIN: Sure there are. We could color code every body of water. Screw longitude and latitude. You could sail from orange to blue.

ME: Wait a minute. You just said you were tired of the sea being blue.

MY BRAIN: That was that dull greeny-blue. I’m talking about a nice artificial color chemical bright blue. Something with some attitude. SASSY OCEAN!

ME: Uh-huh.

MY BRAIN: And think of all the lives it would save. You’re out on a cruise ship, you accidentally fall overboard, and look, Skittles for miles. You eat Skittles, the sharks eat Skittles. Much safer for you.

ME: Oh yum, Skittles that have been marinating in salt water for months.

MY BRAIN: BRINE, dummy, BRINE. Pickled Skittles. The preservation possibilities are endless. Shipwrecked sailors could write messages in Skittles on the sands of their islands. And if there was coral reef damage, no sweat. Skittle reefs.

ME: Skittle reefs.

MY BRAIN: Taste the ecologically-responsible rainbow.