SCOTUS Imperius

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: So Clarence Thomas spoke in court today.

ME: Yes, that’s right.

MY BRAIN: And Antonin Scalia is dead.

ME: A little over two weeks now, I think.

MY BRAIN: Well, then it’s very clear what happened.

ME: Happened? I don’t think those two events –

MY BRAIN: It’s obvious: the Imperius Curse is wearing off.

ME: ??

MY BRAIN: Look, just think about it for five seconds. The robes. The lack of technology in the chambers. The endless incomprehensible Latin… they’re wizards.

ME: Have you forgotten the difference between fiction and nonfiction again?

MY BRAIN: Thank goodness the books weren’t placed in the US. “Harry Potter and the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals” would be a hell of a read.

ME: Now you’re just getting silly.

MY BRAIN: … Harry frees Dobby with a skinny tie and a copy of THE ECONOMIC STRUCTURE OF TORT LAW…

ME: Oh, shut up.

(Though I have let the site lag, my brain and I are still talking on my Facebook page, so I’m catching up. This post, as you might imagine, is from February.)

Hermione’s Hypocrisy Problem

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I’m writing fan fiction again.

ME: That’s nice.

MY BRAIN: Yeah, I’m fixing Hermione’s hypocrisy problem.

ME: I didn’t know she had a —

MY BRAIN: Oh, come on. Enraged over the slavery of house elves, and yet routinely engages in animal abuse during Transfiguration class.. Do not tell me that turning owls into opera glasses doesn’t involve a certain amount of pain and suffering.

ME: Um…

MY BRAIN: If JK Rowling wants her to be an activist, she should at least be a CONSISTENT activist.

ME: You know, for once in your life you might have a point.

MY BRAIN: So in my version she starts PETA –

ME: There’s already a group called –

MY BRAIN: – People for the Ethical Transfiguration of Animals –

ME: Ah. Carry on.

MY BRAIN: And she engages in a constant vandalism campaign against Professor McGonnagall which culminates in fifth year when Hermione breaks
into her office and sets all the mice free. Unfortunately she can’t keep them in her room in the Gryffindor tower so they end up getting eaten by Mrs. Norris.

ME: That kind of sucks.

MY BRAIN: I said I was fixing it, I didn’t say I was making it NICE. Anyway, at the end of the seventh book, when Voldemort rules the world…

ME: Wait a minute. That’s not how it ends.

MY BRAIN: That’s the way it ends when Hermione won’t let Neville kill a snake.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: Dark. But ethical!