ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: I want to be Minnie Pearl Laurie Anderson.

ME: ?

MY BRAIN: I want to come out in a white suit wearing a garish hat festooned with price tags and old electronics and I want to say “HOW-DEE!” and then my voice would get all deep and I would say, “I’m just so proud to be here.”

ME: You are reaching new heights of weird.

MY BRAIN: And I would do a song called “O Superman, Bless Your Heart,” and the b-side would be called “Uncle Nabob’s Day.”

ME: Um…

MY BRAIN: And I would do performance art pieces about Grinder’s Switch but instead of William Burroughs I would have Jerry Clower.

ME: I’m pretty sure he’s dead.

MY BRAIN: Holographic Jerry Clowers. CLOWERGRAMS.

ME: You’re scaring me.

MY BRAIN: I have always, always been for the successful fusion of chitlins and surrealism.

ME: …

MY BRAIN: I’m sorry it’s taken you this long to realize that.