Raised White

ME: (Tries to work)

MY BRAIN: What does that even mean, “raised white”?

ME: Oh no.

MY BRAIN: I’m imagining Barack Obama, abandoned on an old Lawrence Welk Show set.

ME: Please don’t.

MY BRAIN: Feral Campbell’s Soup children bring him crusts of Wonder Bread and the occasional Spam sandwich. Audio tracks from old 1950s short films on how to behave properly
float eerily through the air.

ME: Do you realize how much work I have to do?

MY BRAIN: He learns to read by finding old copies of Reader’s Digest. Calculating the nutritional values found on the back of mayonnaise jars teaches him math.

ME: Stop now.

MY BRAIN: His first word? “Velveeta”.

ME: …

Conversationed in February after Ben Carson said that Barack Obama was “raised white”.